Saturday, March 24, 2012

First Blog Entry!!!

Look At Me - Blog Entry #1: My First Blog

Hello, my name is Bryanna Michelle Akins. I'm 17 and in the 11th grade. My birthday was on Valentine's Day and I have this mental disorder called Asperger's Syndrome, it's a "Level 2 Autism", so to speak. In layman's terms, I don't really get along with some of my friends, family, and my teachers in high school. Also, my stuttering has also got in the way somewhat.

My mental disorder, also known as A.S., is classified by the "Inability to make and/or keep friends, lack of eye contact, and inability to read social cues and pick up on people's body language." At least I know WHY I don't like looking at people when I talk, I always feel like people are judging me. Almost all of my family and friends are in a rush, so the fact that they always rush me makes my stuttering more and more worse. But I only stutter on the vowels (A, E, I, O, U); I only occasionally stutter on the rest of the alphabet. 

I act way different than I do when I am at school.

At school, I can't act the way I do when I am relaxing at home. My friends would think I am...abnormal. Eccentric's a better word. So, to hide my "true self", I act reserved and isolate myself from my girly friends and do my own thing. I only told a small handful that I have this mental handicap, and maybe 2 or 3 people actually knew what it was or had a good guess of what they thought it was. My english teacher, Mr. Garth M. Kohne, was the first person that knew what it was. He knew his sister's son had it and when I was in his 4th period class my sophomore year, he could tell right away that I was different. He believed that people with A.S. were..."Socially Retarded". That made me feel a little embarrassed when he said that, but I shrugged it off. When I told my best guy friend, Bryan, that I had this, he was pretty understanding about it. He was the ONLY guy that I could be myself around and when I'm around him, I don't feel shy or reserved at all. The only problem was that I fell for him in less than a week and my infatuation made me do some stupid crap, like asking him out 5 days after we met and trying to hold his hand during a movie when he was going through a bad breakup that I didn't even know about. Now, I have known him for over a year now, and I'm not sure if his feelings for me have changed at all. At times, I wish that I was skinny like my other friends so that I would get more respect and attention. 

All I want from my friends is respect, love, and acceptance. But how can anyone ever like a mentally handicapped, overweight, moody, 17 year-old girl that is still afraid to learn to drive? What's wrong with me? Who the hell knows? I just want to be accepted for my personality and who I am, not for my body and beauty.

Well, that's enough about me. I'll post again soon and update my site since this is my first day as a blogger. Later!

--Bryanna Michelle Akins <3-<3-<3

"Love is Never Ugly." -Beastly the movie

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