Friday, November 16, 2012

Personal Statement #1 and #2

Every kid loves something. Whether it is a toy, books or a game, they will be so into it that it will be hard to get their attention. I loved dinosaurs so much that I started memorizing facts here and there. After learning about them from a Christmas toy, I shared my knowledge with my stunned family. My ability to learn and memorize information, as well as retain it for a long time, has become my most vital asset when it comes to doing great in school.
 In school, I went to the library daily and checked out a lot of books. I was curious about everything in school. I took up violin and clarinet and was one of the best musicians in the orchestra. It became clear that I had potential and this skill has helped me excel in class. Things that I will contribute to my future college are my individuality, intelligence, passion and caring heart. One thing I love about my ability to learn is that I retain information longer than my friends, which have to study for tests. When I learn new concepts, I catch on fast and my focus is more intense than others. Not even the incessant talking of my classmates can hinder my focus.

When I was young, I was bullied, from first to tenth grade. I did get picked on, but I never let it interfere with my schoolwork and I didn’t let it interfere with my learning, along with my natural curiosity about everything. Furthermore, I do not let my disorder cloud my vision of who I am. I have been blocked by tough obstacles in life, but I learn from my mistakes and I work hard to be the best I can be, both inside and outside school. My friends may consist of a small handful, but I like friends of quality. They let me know when I have said something rude that I didn’t intend to be. They like that I am a superb listener and that I am sensitive to them if they’re feeling sad or angry. They also enjoyed my company because I am affectionate, supportive, loyal and honest. 

It doesn’t matter if I am busy or not busy at all; I always try to find time for my family and best friends.  My mother, grandmother, godfather and cousins loves these traits I have as well. It’s my caring and passionate heart that makes me a strong woman and focused student. Two years ago, I found out I had Asperger’s Syndrome. It gave me an explanation for my “differences”. Making and keeping friends is still one of the hardest things for me to do. In school, I hang out in the library, with teachers or by myself. Over time, I learned to ignore bullies and not let them control me. I remind myself that they don’t understand me as well as I understand myself. Despite never having a leadership role, it doesn’t mean I am not a leader. 
In groups, I help others with problems when they don’t understand them.

This natural curiosity and learning ability has always been my most valuable asset in school. It never went away and it never will. Things that I will be able to contribute to my college are my individuality, intelligence, passion and caring heart. I’m still a bright student nowadays. It makes me proud because schools have changed so much and I am blessed to be able to understand these concepts that leave most others clueless. This learning ability is what I am best known for and it has helped shaped me over these long and challenging school years. I do not want to be defined by my “disorder”, but I want to succeed in spite of it.

 I was only four years old when my mom took me to Sea World. I have always been a curious girl. It does not matter if it is about dinosaur or how the universe was made. I will retain that information and keep it until it eventually goes away. But if brought up a while after, I recall and relearn the information given very, very quickly.
  I grew up in an animal and writing-oriented world. My life has revolved around living things and writing, mostly books. Early on, I was taught how to draw animals in kindergarten. I drew tigers, birds, dogs, you name it. My natural curiosity has helped me to have and retain knowledge on just about everything. I learned about dinosaurs when I was seven with a Christmas toy. I memorized the entire thing in two weeks. Even then, I was memorizing movies down to the little lines that most do not even notice at first glance.
One thing that I have always loved was animals. I had a lot of pets growing up. I had a lot of goldfish, two parakeets, a hamster, a puppy, a kitten and much more. I also helped to take care of other pets. I remembered how to take care of them and I did it…with a deep passion. I grew much attached to my puppy, Bear, and my kitten, Princess. When I had to give them up, I got very emotional and cried a lot after parting ways with both of them. My love of animals has also helped me to go to zoos, museums and aquariums, so that I could learn more and expand my knowledge of these beautiful creatures.
 It doesn’t matter what kind of animal it is. I will learn about it and memorize the bare facts. This love of animals will never go away. It’s been my passion that I will always cherish and it will definitely aid me in my job as a zoologist or animal biologist. My family has always supported me and have always loved that I love learning because it has helped me in school.  The only thing that I’ll miss is when the world comes to an end is all those amazing creatures that live on this planet will perish and vanish from this world.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

My Family's View/Personal Poll

Look At Me - Blog Entry #21 - My Family's View

Recently, a few of my family members have been criticizing my relationship with Jarred and one of them is really pushing it. My gramma only made one comment, which was true at first. She said that he was an embarrassment to me, but that was only because I had never been around someone with ADHD, so I never really knew what it would look like or how an ADHD person would act. But I am over it.

ON the OTHER HAND, there is my mom. She has stated repeatedly that he really isn't my boyfriend. It isn't my fault that she had to get a newer car. If she had gotten an older car, maybe I could have had enough money saved to see him again. I've spent two years apart from that man and it is NOT without my share of tears and heartache. I'm starting to have second thoughts on whether I should invite my mom to my wedding with Jarred later. I'm being the polite one, staying quiet and knuckling under, but if she keeps making those snide and hurtful comments, then she's really pushing it. Just cause she never got married doesn't mean she needs to criticize my new found love for him and hurt me. She wrote me a going away letter for one of my english assignments and here's what it says:

September 20, 2012

To My Loving Daughter Bryanna,

As you approach womanhood there are many things that you should know before I feel like I can release you into this world, as it is now.

There are a lot of things out there that can happen and it is crucial that you keep a good head on your shoulders and always think about what you do before doing it. Remember, for every cause there is an effect.
You are the most important person in my life and I could not be happier or more proud of the daughter I have today. Never have you given me a hard time or caused my any grief. I know it hasn’t always been easy, living with Asperger’s and not realizing that you had it until age 15, has made it rough. Never having a lot of peers to hang out with and just be girls, but in spite of that you have turned into a beautiful, smart, morally sound young lady, that I am so very proud of.

While my hope is for you to go to college, if you need to work instead of go to school, you must remember to try and reach your goals. Do not get distracted by frivolous things. While I want you to enjoy your college days, keep your priorities in sight. 

Do not trust any and everyone, because there are cruel and crazy people out there who prey on na├»ve young girls. I would never tell you something that isn’t true, I need to know that you fully understand how important it is to make the right decisions. I know some day you will meet your prince charming, and you will get married, believe that. BRYANNA you are an amazing girl that anyone would and should be proud to have be there side.

You have always had pretty good judgment but now you are entering the real world where supporting yourself is what happens. NO more living off mom and expecting me to pay for everything, it’s time to realize that you are all grown up and an adult. While you go to school or choose to get a job, I promise to guide you into the financial side of the world and teach you how to have your own bank account and how to manage your money and not be wasteful.

One thing I have always told you “Don’t mess up your credit”. I stand behind what I say. I made the mistake of messing mine up, and all you end up with is a hard life living in less than ideal apartments.
I want you to have the best and succeed beyond your wildest dreams. You deserve the world and I wish I could give it you!

I love you more than life itself, and life without you means my life will stop. YOU ARE MY OTHER HALF. When you hurt I hurt.

Always remember, I am here for you no matter what. Don’t ever think you can’t come to me with anything. I will always have your best wished in mind when I guide you through life. I do trust that you will make the right choices in life, you have so far, and I can’t complain. Love Mom

"You will find your prince charming?" I've already found him. She's in denial too? On top of making rude comments? "When you hurt, I hurt." Hello?! You're hurting me by criticizing me and my relationship. I swear to God, I have the memory of a freakin' supercomputer and I DO remember those specific comments and a few other things I hear my family members say. Maybe one day, she'll get a little memo and learn her lesson about making fun of her daughter's first actual relationship. I have been teased for ten agonizing years and when someone like this comes along, you hang onto him and never let go!


Sunday, September 30, 2012

New Update on Me! Senior Year, Love Letter and More!

Look At Me - Blog Entry #20 - Senior Year, Love Letter, and More!

First off, I started my senior year a few weeks. It's going great so far. I redid my Physics quiz 'cause I made too many mistakes. Hope I can bring it up. Surprising that Physics is my hardest subject class. I already have Advanced Algebra, so another class with math just messes me up. There's regular math and then there's Physics/Chemistry Math! Oh well, I'll get over it. I always do.

My relationship with Jarred has been going great. Absolutely fabulous! I miss him now more than ever. Just found out his middle name is Al. Jarred Al Olson. I was expecting something more of a James or something, but Al's good, too. My uncle and his mom are moving to Oregon sometime next year. They're also getting me an airplane ticket so I can visit them again. YAY! I also sent Jarred a necklace and some of my pictures. The shark tooth broke, but his mom was going to replace it. Jarred also talks about marrying me. I told his mom I was gonna wait. I still need to finish my education. Luckily, Humboldt State University is close by. If I do get accepted, I can go to college and still be close enough to see my honey! Fingers crossed!!! Jarred also has my pictures hung up on the walls of his room. I never thought I'd meet someone like him, but I did.

I also wrote a long love letter to him. He should get it by tomorrow, I hope! Here is what it says:

Jarreds Long-Handed Love Letter

 Saturday - September 22, 2012

          To My Sweet, Loving Boyfriend Jarred,         

It’s me, Bryanna. Your Girlfriend.

I have decided to write you a long love letter, since my cards I send you don’t have enough space for me to write how I really feel about you.

Lately, I’ve been happier and in a better mood than I was a year ago. I sometimes lie awake in bed, hoping that I have a dream about you. Just so I could see your face, even if you’re not here with me. I have cried for you three times in the last few months. Normally if I have a crush on someone, I don’t hurt or cry or long for them to be by my side. But you’re a lot different than the rest of the guys I’ve met. Your love for me is the only thing that keeps me going through school with a smile on my face and a warm feeling in my heart. I look at your school picture almost constantly now. My feelings for you grow stronger with each second that we’re apart. Your gifts that you send me have cheered me up. They send me a comforting message: you are not alone. In this letter, I am going to literally pour my heart and soul into this letter I’m going to write to you. I don’t care if it’s one page or a hundred pages. I’ll write until I fall asleep, dreaming, longing for the day when we’ll finally be together, once again.

Let me tell you first about the first day we met and why I fell in love with you. It was early in the morning. A few years ago, I came over to Tracy’s house, opened the door and…there you were. Your mom told me all about you before we even met. I didn’t know what to say when I first saw you, so I just said, “Hi.” We went to Bounce-a-Palooza and had a great time, playing together. I don’t know what you felt when you first saw me, but I can get a pretty good idea of what you did feel. You probably thought I was pretty, beautiful maybe. But it was the days after we played together that I started to have feelings for you.

Almost every day, we sat and watched TV together. We watched a few movies; I think I remember falling asleep in your arms a few times when we were watching movies at eleven and midnight. Usually, my friends feel kind of awkward at times when we hang out. But you enjoyed every moment of it.

It wasn’t until your mom told me how you felt about me that I started to question what you were really feeling inside. I asked her a few times if you really loved me and you said, “Yes.” I didn’t think anyone could ever love me up until that summer. I was almost completely alone at school, most of the time. I hung out by myself or with my teachers, enjoying myself without a lot of company. But I had never really been on an actual date. That is, until we went on one when we went to the Mall to eat at HomeTown buffet. After that, we went shopping, which I enjoyed a lot, then we went home.

I had never had my first kiss and Justin and his girlfriend, Nadia, were asking me if I ever had my first kiss. My answer, of course, was no. It wasn’t until they suggested that I kiss you that I began to wonder and think about doing just that. I waited a few days because I was not sure about how you would react, since you never had your first kiss, either. A few nights later, it happened. We were just on the couch, watching TV; then, we turned to look at each other. Then, you leaned in and kissed me. I was surprised because I thought you’d be nervous about it. I didn’t know that you would make the first move.

But, all in all, I liked it when you kissed me. That first kiss was when my feelings for you really started to grow. When you kiss me, it’s like you’ve just repaired a piece of my heart that had been hurt by someone else in the past. I felt like I had finally found someone that I can call my own and love without being judged. It felt like I found someone that loved me, truthfully and honestly, with every fiber of their being. That first kiss almost felt like there was an explosion, like a Fourth of July fireworks finale, almost. I was also very touched that you bought me a bouquet of red and white flowers. Very romantic of you. I was surely convinced then that you really did love me. At that point, I didn’t care if the rest of my family didn’t approve of you and me, being together. As long as I have you, I have someone to live for…and fight for…and love until the end of time.

I fell in love with you because of your honesty and love for me. You never lied to me. You never hid anything from me, except maybe your true feelings for me. I get it. I was nervous, too. I fell in love with you because you loved me for who I am. You didn’t care that I was big or plump. You just loved me for me and that kind of love is hard to find these days. But I found it in you. It’s called…UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

Now, enough about me. Let’s talk about you. When I first saw you, I thought you were just adorable. With your soft, short brown hair that felt like silk. Your beautiful, almond, brown eyes that were a slightly brighter color than my own. Your eyes had a somewhat phenomenal effect on me at times. Sometimes when I looked at you, it felt like you could see right through me. It felt like you could see through me into my soul and my somewhat hurt heart. It felt like you could see all the hurt and pain that I had went through for several years. It felt like you wanted to help me believe in love again, believe that there was someone that could love me inside and out. I feel speechless sometimes when I look at your beautiful, brown eyes…
But the hardest part was when I had to leave to go back home. I forgot to tell you goodbye and I’m so very sorry I didn’t. After I went back home, I changed. That empty feeling was back again. It felt like that one puzzle piece of my heart that made me feel loved…was gone. It felt like half of my heart was ripped away. I got that sad feeling again. I thought it was gone. But I was wrong. After that, I went back to feeling depressed and lonely again. I returned back to my reserved, isolated, old self again.

I got a call from the local flower shop and they delivered bouquet of roses with an orange lily. I asked the lady who sent them and she said, “Jarred.” Jarred? He sent them for me? That’s what was going through my head. I put them on the desk beside my couch and I read the index card that came with it.

“To Bryanna. You are a beautiful flower to me. I love you. –Jarred.”
That empty feeling started to go away. My feelings for you felt like they had been revived and resurrected. It felt like I had gotten that missing puzzle piece back. My love for you returned. My feelings for you never changed, they just grew and grew and grew some more. I felt loved again. Thank you so much for them. My pictures of both bouquets will stay with me forever. I won’t ever forget them.

Some problems I had before I met you was I thought for a long time that no one would be interested in me because of how big I was. They just stayed away from me like I was carrying a deadly virus or something. That’s partly why I was so lonely and depressed before we met. But that’s changed. My love for you is stronger than ever now and it’s all because of you, my love. I’m not depressed or lonely anymore. Not even a little bit. Now I have you to think about. I’ll never stop thinking about you. You complete me!

Now I want to talk about how you are when you’re around me and spending time with me. The things I loved the most, besides your kisses, was you, putting your arms around me and holding me close. Telling me that you love me and wanting to see me more and more. Those are the things that make me feel loved and warm inside. If it ever gets cold, I don’t need a sweater or a heater, ‘cause I’ll have you to keep me warm.

I also love the package you sent me a month or two ago. It came with a card with your pictures in them. Tell your mom “thank you” for them. I love them. I also love the bubble gum lip balm you got me. What I loved the most was the teddy bear with the necklace. I slept with it a few times. I’m also wearing your necklace every day now, even as I am writing you this letter from my heart.

I think that the one thing I wouldn’t be able to deal with in a sensible and rational way is something that might happen much later. I’m not sure how I would go on if I lost you or if you passed away before I did. There are a lot of reasons why I wouldn’t be able to deal with it. You’re the only guy that has loved me for what’s on the inside. You’re the only guy that enjoys spending time with me. You’re the only guy that’s ever kissed me…willingly. You’re the only guy that has ever been truly in love with me. Your love isn’t fake or forced, nor is it artificial or pretend. You’re the only guy that has ever really and fully opened your heart to me and showed me that you do care and that you do love me and that you would do anything for me. I would very much do the same for you. I’m afraid of losing you too early on in my life. I would very willingly die for you. I would fight for you, with a passion that would scorch me deeply within my very soul. I would protect you from anyone that would try to separate us. And I will keep waiting for you until we can be together…forever. I don’t care if it takes one year or 20 years. I’ll wait for you.

While we are apart, I do want you to know this. I will always be there for you. I will be there to take care of you. If you’re feeling hurt and upset, I’ll be there to comfort you. I’ll always be your friend and I always will be your girlfriend. If you ever find someone new (you probably won’t though), I want her to be as loving to you as I am. If she breaks your heart and makes you cry, I’ll be there. I don’t care if the whole world is against us, I’ll be there by you. We could be starving, homeless or broke, but I would still be there for you.

I didn’t want to tell you until later, but here it is. Your mom and Tracy are working together to get me an airplane ticket. I’m going to visit you next summer!!! We’ll both be 18 by then!!! There are a few things I want to do with you when I go up there. I want us to have dinner date together. Leah and Tracy can go spend time together, so we can be alone, since I never get to see you. I’m also going to teach you a few things that’ll make kissing a more fun experience for the both of us. All you have to do is wait for me. You can still send me gifts like you’ve been. But there is one thing I do want you to do for me. Don’t ever forget me. Don’t ever think that people hate you. Don’t lose my pictures. And most of all…DON’T EVER STOP LOVING ME. I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, SO ALWAYS LOVE ME!!! 

I can already imagine the future we have ahead of us. I can imagine us, spending more and more time together. I can imagine us, going on a lot more dates. I can even see you, proposing to me later on. I hope in the future that we can get married and invite all of our family and closest friends to come to our wedding. All I want to do is spent every day, every hour, every minute with you. I don’t know how I would’ve lived if I hadn’t met you and your mom. I’m so grateful that my uncle Tracy married your mom so that we could meet and become boyfriend and girlfriend. I love the fact that you think I am beautiful and I will never forget you, even if we are miles apart. It doesn’t change the fact that my love and everything I am, or ever will be, will always belong to you, my boyfriend, Jarred Olson. I LOVE YOU. You are free to send me as many letters and gifts as your heart desires. Have your mom help you talk to me on Facebook. Just ask her and she’ll help you to message me so we can talk to each other.

I will always love you, no matter what happens. There is a lock for every key and a key for every lock.

God has that special person reserved for you. Your job is to find him/her. I don’t need to search anymore, because I found you. And you are the one that has unlocked my heart and helped me to believe in love again.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

From Your Loving Girlfriend,
I Miss You So Much,
See You Very Soon.
Love Always,
Bryanna Michelle Akins, B.M.A.