Look At Me - Blog Entry #20 - Senior Year, Love Letter, and More!
First off, I started my senior year a few weeks. It's going great so far. I redid my Physics quiz 'cause I made too many mistakes. Hope I can bring it up. Surprising that Physics is my hardest subject class. I already have Advanced Algebra, so another class with math just messes me up. There's regular math and then there's Physics/Chemistry Math! Oh well, I'll get over it. I always do.
My relationship with Jarred has been going great. Absolutely fabulous! I miss him now more than ever. Just found out his middle name is Al. Jarred Al Olson. I was expecting something more of a James or something, but Al's good, too. My uncle and his mom are moving to Oregon sometime next year. They're also getting me an airplane ticket so I can visit them again. YAY! I also sent Jarred a necklace and some of my pictures. The shark tooth broke, but his mom was going to replace it. Jarred also talks about marrying me. I told his mom I was gonna wait. I still need to finish my education. Luckily, Humboldt State University is close by. If I do get accepted, I can go to college and still be close enough to see my honey! Fingers crossed!!! Jarred also has my pictures hung up on the walls of his room. I never thought I'd meet someone like him, but I did.
I also wrote a long love letter to him. He should get it by tomorrow, I hope! Here is what it says:
Jarred’s Long-Handed Love Letter
Saturday - September 22, 2012
To My Sweet, Loving Boyfriend Jarred,
It’s me, Bryanna. Your Girlfriend.
I have decided to write you a long love letter, since my cards I send you don’t have enough space for me to write how I really feel about you.
Lately, I’ve been happier and in a better mood than I was a year ago. I sometimes lie awake in bed, hoping that I have a dream about you. Just so I could see your face, even if you’re not here with me. I have cried for you three times in the last few months. Normally if I have a crush on someone, I don’t hurt or cry or long for them to be by my side. But you’re a lot different than the rest of the guys I’ve met. Your love for me is the only thing that keeps me going through school with a smile on my face and a warm feeling in my heart. I look at your school picture almost constantly now. My feelings for you grow stronger with each second that we’re apart. Your gifts that you send me have cheered me up. They send me a comforting message: you are not alone. In this letter, I am going to literally pour my heart and soul into this letter I’m going to write to you. I don’t care if it’s one page or a hundred pages. I’ll write until I fall asleep, dreaming, longing for the day when we’ll finally be together, once again.
Let me tell you first about the first day we met and why I fell in love with you. It was early in the morning. A few years ago, I came over to Tracy’s house, opened the door and…there you were. Your mom told me all about you before we even met. I didn’t know what to say when I first saw you, so I just said, “Hi.” We went to Bounce-a-Palooza and had a great time, playing together. I don’t know what you felt when you first saw me, but I can get a pretty good idea of what you did feel. You probably thought I was pretty, beautiful maybe. But it was the days after we played together that I started to have feelings for you.
Almost every day, we sat and watched TV together. We watched a few movies; I think I remember falling asleep in your arms a few times when we were watching movies at eleven and midnight. Usually, my friends feel kind of awkward at times when we hang out. But you enjoyed every moment of it.
It wasn’t until your mom told me how you felt about me that I started to question what you were really feeling inside. I asked her a few times if you really loved me and you said, “Yes.” I didn’t think anyone could ever love me up until that summer. I was almost completely alone at school, most of the time. I hung out by myself or with my teachers, enjoying myself without a lot of company. But I had never really been on an actual date. That is, until we went on one when we went to the Mall to eat at HomeTown buffet. After that, we went shopping, which I enjoyed a lot, then we went home.
I had never had my first kiss and Justin and his girlfriend, Nadia, were asking me if I ever had my first kiss. My answer, of course, was no. It wasn’t until they suggested that I kiss you that I began to wonder and think about doing just that. I waited a few days because I was not sure about how you would react, since you never had your first kiss, either. A few nights later, it happened. We were just on the couch, watching TV; then, we turned to look at each other. Then, you leaned in and kissed me. I was surprised because I thought you’d be nervous about it. I didn’t know that you would make the first move.
But, all in all, I liked it when you kissed me. That first kiss was when my feelings for you really started to grow. When you kiss me, it’s like you’ve just repaired a piece of my heart that had been hurt by someone else in the past. I felt like I had finally found someone that I can call my own and love without being judged. It felt like I found someone that loved me, truthfully and honestly, with every fiber of their being. That first kiss almost felt like there was an explosion, like a Fourth of July fireworks finale, almost. I was also very touched that you bought me a bouquet of red and white flowers. Very romantic of you. I was surely convinced then that you really did love me. At that point, I didn’t care if the rest of my family didn’t approve of you and me, being together. As long as I have you, I have someone to live for…and fight for…and love until the end of time.
I fell in love with you because of your honesty and love for me. You never lied to me. You never hid anything from me, except maybe your true feelings for me. I get it. I was nervous, too. I fell in love with you because you loved me for who I am. You didn’t care that I was big or plump. You just loved me for me and that kind of love is hard to find these days. But I found it in you. It’s called…UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
Now, enough about me. Let’s talk about you. When I first saw you, I thought you were just adorable. With your soft, short brown hair that felt like silk. Your beautiful, almond, brown eyes that were a slightly brighter color than my own. Your eyes had a somewhat phenomenal effect on me at times. Sometimes when I looked at you, it felt like you could see right through me. It felt like you could see through me into my soul and my somewhat hurt heart. It felt like you could see all the hurt and pain that I had went through for several years. It felt like you wanted to help me believe in love again, believe that there was someone that could love me inside and out. I feel speechless sometimes when I look at your beautiful, brown eyes…
But the hardest part was when I had to leave to go back home. I forgot to tell you goodbye and I’m so very sorry I didn’t. After I went back home, I changed. That empty feeling was back again. It felt like that one puzzle piece of my heart that made me feel loved…was gone. It felt like half of my heart was ripped away. I got that sad feeling again. I thought it was gone. But I was wrong. After that, I went back to feeling depressed and lonely again. I returned back to my reserved, isolated, old self again.
I got a call from the local flower shop and they delivered bouquet of roses with an orange lily. I asked the lady who sent them and she said, “Jarred.” Jarred? He sent them for me? That’s what was going through my head. I put them on the desk beside my couch and I read the index card that came with it.
“To Bryanna. You are a beautiful flower to me. I love you. –Jarred.”
That empty feeling started to go away. My feelings for you felt like they had been revived and resurrected. It felt like I had gotten that missing puzzle piece back. My love for you returned. My feelings for you never changed, they just grew and grew and grew some more. I felt loved again. Thank you so much for them. My pictures of both bouquets will stay with me forever. I won’t ever forget them.
Some problems I had before I met you was I thought for a long time that no one would be interested in me because of how big I was. They just stayed away from me like I was carrying a deadly virus or something. That’s partly why I was so lonely and depressed before we met. But that’s changed. My love for you is stronger than ever now and it’s all because of you, my love. I’m not depressed or lonely anymore. Not even a little bit. Now I have you to think about. I’ll never stop thinking about you. You complete me!
Now I want to talk about how you are when you’re around me and spending time with me. The things I loved the most, besides your kisses, was you, putting your arms around me and holding me close. Telling me that you love me and wanting to see me more and more. Those are the things that make me feel loved and warm inside. If it ever gets cold, I don’t need a sweater or a heater, ‘cause I’ll have you to keep me warm.
I also love the package you sent me a month or two ago. It came with a card with your pictures in them. Tell your mom “thank you” for them. I love them. I also love the bubble gum lip balm you got me. What I loved the most was the teddy bear with the necklace. I slept with it a few times. I’m also wearing your necklace every day now, even as I am writing you this letter from my heart.
I think that the one thing I wouldn’t be able to deal with in a sensible and rational way is something that might happen much later. I’m not sure how I would go on if I lost you or if you passed away before I did. There are a lot of reasons why I wouldn’t be able to deal with it. You’re the only guy that has loved me for what’s on the inside. You’re the only guy that enjoys spending time with me. You’re the only guy that’s ever kissed me…willingly. You’re the only guy that has ever been truly in love with me. Your love isn’t fake or forced, nor is it artificial or pretend. You’re the only guy that has ever really and fully opened your heart to me and showed me that you do care and that you do love me and that you would do anything for me. I would very much do the same for you. I’m afraid of losing you too early on in my life. I would very willingly die for you. I would fight for you, with a passion that would scorch me deeply within my very soul. I would protect you from anyone that would try to separate us. And I will keep waiting for you until we can be together…forever. I don’t care if it takes one year or 20 years. I’ll wait for you.
While we are apart, I do want you to know this. I will always be there for you. I will be there to take care of you. If you’re feeling hurt and upset, I’ll be there to comfort you. I’ll always be your friend and I always will be your girlfriend. If you ever find someone new (you probably won’t though), I want her to be as loving to you as I am. If she breaks your heart and makes you cry, I’ll be there. I don’t care if the whole world is against us, I’ll be there by you. We could be starving, homeless or broke, but I would still be there for you.
I didn’t want to tell you until later, but here it is. Your mom and Tracy are working together to get me an airplane ticket. I’m going to visit you next summer!!! We’ll both be 18 by then!!! There are a few things I want to do with you when I go up there. I want us to have dinner date together. Leah and Tracy can go spend time together, so we can be alone, since I never get to see you. I’m also going to teach you a few things that’ll make kissing a more fun experience for the both of us. All you have to do is wait for me. You can still send me gifts like you’ve been. But there is one thing I do want you to do for me. Don’t ever forget me. Don’t ever think that people hate you. Don’t lose my pictures. And most of all…DON’T EVER STOP LOVING ME. I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, SO ALWAYS LOVE ME!!!
I can already imagine the future we have ahead of us. I can imagine us, spending more and more time together. I can imagine us, going on a lot more dates. I can even see you, proposing to me later on. I hope in the future that we can get married and invite all of our family and closest friends to come to our wedding. All I want to do is spent every day, every hour, every minute with you. I don’t know how I would’ve lived if I hadn’t met you and your mom. I’m so grateful that my uncle Tracy married your mom so that we could meet and become boyfriend and girlfriend. I love the fact that you think I am beautiful and I will never forget you, even if we are miles apart. It doesn’t change the fact that my love and everything I am, or ever will be, will always belong to you, my boyfriend, Jarred Olson. I LOVE YOU. You are free to send me as many letters and gifts as your heart desires. Have your mom help you talk to me on Facebook. Just ask her and she’ll help you to message me so we can talk to each other.
I will always love you, no matter what happens. There is a lock for every key and a key for every lock.
God has that special person reserved for you. Your job is to find him/her. I don’t need to search anymore, because I found you. And you are the one that has unlocked my heart and helped me to believe in love again.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
From Your Loving Girlfriend,
I Miss You So Much,
See You Very Soon.
Bryanna Michelle Akins, B.M.A.